Updated: Mar 30
For a longtime motherhood was never an ambition of mine. I wanted to travel the world forever and sample all the rich experiences new countries had to offer. I wanted live in Sydney, New York, Zurich, Moscow and a million other places in between. I made my way from England to set up a new life in Australia when all of a sudden that maternal itch creeped up on me a lot later than maybe it does for most and a few years after meeting my lovely husband.
We were fortunate to conceive quickly which both delighted and scared me in equal measure…in fact that's not quite the truth, I was more scared than delighted. I found myself questioning if I had done the right thing. Was I actually cut out for motherhood? Could I actually do this, physically, mentally and emotionally? Was I ready for this monumental change to my life and my body?
My beautiful girl made an early entrance to the world almost 5 weeks before her due date and the onset of the birthing process started precisely 1 hour after my baby shower ended. Whilst I hopefully speculated that the slow and steady trickle of water coming down my legs and all over our new sofa was the onset of the incontinence I'd heard about in the late stages of pregnancy, the gushes that came shortly afterwards confirmed that one, my sofa was well and truly ruined and two, that my waters were indeed breaking and my journey to motherhood was starting a little earlier than expected. The trepidation I had for motherhood returned and the questions at conception resurfaced and magnified tenfold.
24 hours later after 'pee-gate', I found myself holding my beautiful little baby girl. I cried with delight and so much emotion, she was healthy and perfect and I'd survived! Those tears held a lot of love but also a lot of fear. Fear of how on earth I was going to manage to look after a tiny human and fear of what was next for us and for me.
Night five I sat at my dining table in tears. Sleep deprived and confused I wondered what on earth I had done. Why did I think having a baby was going to be fun? Why did I ever think I was capable of raising a human?
Why did no one tell me how hard this would be, or maybe more accurately why hadn't I listened when they had? The thing that haunted me most in the deafening silence of those long nights? Why was I not feeling all these feelings you are supposed to feel? I loved my little girl with all my heart and would do anything to protect her and keep her safe, but those feels of being in love, that cloud nine feeling of this being the best thing ever escaped me. This was hard, so much harder than I imagined and I felt so much guilt at feeling this way.